


My Love is Set in Stone

by crowning_glory



Series: ❧ misc [1]
Category: Mean Girls (2004), Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Angst, Bullying, D slur, Lesbophobia, Outing, Panic Attacks, Pre-Canon, internalised lesbophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 21:58:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17394443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crowning_glory/pseuds/crowning_glory
Summary: ♕Janis wishes there was an instruction manual on how to cope after your best friend betrays you.





	My Love is Set in Stone

**Author's Note:**

> **TW:**  
>  →Lesbophobia.  
> →D slur.  
> →Internalised lesbophobia.  
> →Panic attacks.  
> →Outing.

Janis stands in the hallway, thumbs hooked under her backpack straps, trying to remember how to breathe properly. She’s rooted to the spot, gaze straight ahead, everyone’s eyes on her.

 

And she wants to look away—desperately tries to—but she can’t. The words scratched into her locker are taunting: space dyke.

 

People around her are repeating it in hushed whispers. Dawn Schweitzer is holding her phone up to take a picture.

 

Janis wishes that the ground would open up and swallow her whole.

 

She doesn’t know what to do, she knows that everyone is waiting for a response; they’re watching her like hawks. They want her to scream or cry or run away and Janis wants to do all of those things but she can’t. Not in front of everyone. She doesn’t want to give Regina the satisfaction. Knowing that her friend did this hurts more than the malicious words carved into her locker, more than the giggles and the stares as her mind races and attempts to process the situation.

 

Her stomach is hurting more and more by the second, her chest getting tighter and tighter, but she can’t react.

 

The bell startles her. People start to move but Janis stays where she is, barely moving as people jostle and push past her. A few kids linger, watching her carefully, but when the tardy bell rings they scarper too and Janis is left alone standing in front of her locker with the menacing words staring back at her.

 

“Janis?” She only looks away at Ms. Norbury’s voice. She steps back as her teacher gets closer and whatever was keeping her calm, the shock or the panic, was wearing off. “Janis, What are you—? Oh.”

 

And that’s all it takes—Ms. Norbury’s gasp—for Janis to shatter.

 

Her bottom lip starts to wobble, her eyes fill with tears and her lungs struggle even more to bring in air. Her heart is pounding as Ms. Norbury reaches out and Janis knows that she’s touching her shoulder as a reassuring gesture, but she flinches anyway and takes off running.

 

She finds herself in one of the numerous girls’ bathrooms, slamming the stall door shut with shaking hands. Her legs give out under her and she ends up on the floor in a miserable heap, the tiles cold against her hands.

 

The entirety of North Shore knows that she’s a lesbian now. They know and she wasn’t ready to tell them. They know and now they think that she’s a space dyke and Regina George will tell them that she is, all icy stares and mocking laughs. She’ll whisper it to people in class, shout it in the hallways and probably make an announcement at lunch in case some people have been living under a rock for the entire school day.

 

Everyone will know and Janis is powerless to stop the spread of information.

 

It isn’t fair because it’s supposed to be _her_ that tells them when she’s ready.

 

And she’s far from ready.

 

Janis can’t breathe. She’s on the floor in the bathroom and she can’t fucking breathe and everybody knows that she’s a lesbian and she can’t fucking breathe and Regina George is probably having a whale of a time and Janis _can’t fucking breathe._

 

She screws her eyes shut and focuses on the coldness of the tiles beneath her, on the sound of the dripping taps and the rattling air conditioner.

 

It feels like hours before Janis’s chest finally starts untightening and she sucks in a few deep breaths of air, letting her head fall back against the wall behind her. She has the worst headache she’s ever had and her hands are still shaking, so much so that she can’t even unzip the front pocket of her backpack to take out her phone, but she can’t finally breathe and she tries to focus on that.

 

The tears won’t stop. Eventually, Janis manages to unzip her backpack and grab her phone, sobbing as she dials her mom’s number.

 

“I need you to come get me, momma,” she sniffs. “I can’t be here anymore. They don’t want me here.”

 

“Who doesn’t want you there?” Her mom’s voice is full of concern and Janis whimpers. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

 

“Come get me,” Janis repeats. “Come get me please.”

 

“I’m on my way.” And the line goes dead and Janis stares at her screen.

 

At the picture on her home screen.

 

At the picture of her, Karen, Gretchen and Regina taken outside the mall a couple of weeks ago. Janis lets out an angry scream, throwing her phone away from her, listening as it crunches when it hits the floor and skids across the tiles until it’s out of Janis’s view.

 

The surge of anger quickly leaves her and then she starts crying again because she’s just ruined her phone and her mom is going to be so mad.

 

And Janis hates Regina George with all of her guts.

 

When her mom finally arrives, she’s accompanied by Ms. Norbury.

 

Janis has stopped crying when the bathroom door opens. There’s a few seconds of silence and she freezes when she hears her mom pick up her phone, a sigh as she takes in the shattered screen. But she doesn’t start yelling, and Janis chews the inside of her cheek as she hears two sets of heeled footsteps clicking against the tiles.

 

There’s a gentle knock on the stall door.

 

“I’m not mad at you, baby,” her mom sounds as if she’s been crying too. “Your teacher showed me what they did and I’m… I’m disgusted.”

 

“You’re not in any trouble, Janis,” Ms. Norbury continues. “Can you unlock the door?”

 

Janis doesn’t say anything, but she slowly gets up from her position on the floor and does as her teacher asks. When the door swings open she’s instantly enveloped in her mom’s arms and suddenly she’s bawling again, gripping onto her mom as tightly as she can.

 

Janis doesn’t speak for the ride home. She leans her head against the glass and stares out at the blurring neighbourhood. Her stomach still hurts and there’s a couple of times that she almost asks her mom to pull over, but somehow she manages to get home without incident.

 

She’s numb now. Not angry or upset or panicked. Just numb.

 

And she’s glad that she told her parents that she was a lesbian a few weeks ago. She doesn’t know what she’d do if this was the way that they had to find out.

 

Her mom, on the other hand, is furious. She mutters to herself the whole way home, practically yelling the story when she calls Janis’s dad. He agrees to leave work right away and Janis doesn’t know whether to be grateful for that or not because she’s glad that her parents are taking it seriously, but she just wants to lock herself in her room when they get home.

 

She keeps her head bowed as they walk into the house, shoulders hunched as she sits down on the couch and stares down at the carpet. Her mom is pacing and Janis slumps back against the cushions, her head still pounding.

 

When her dad comes home there’s a hushed discussion in the hallway that Janis isn’t allowed to be a part of. Instead, she curls up on the couch, nestling between the cushions and tries to think of anything but what had happened.

 

But it’s hard; her best friend has betrayed her. The whole of North Shore knows that she’s a lesbian, and she’ll never be welcome back there again.

 

So when her dad enters, hands clasped in front of him, and tells her that she’ll still be attending North Shore, she lets out a cry.

 

“Dad, I can’t go back there! They all hate me!” She argues, jumping to her feet. “You don’t understand—!”

 

“Jan, honey, I’m not saying that this is going to be permanent,” he says, sitting her back down. She sighs, leaning into his side. “But if we move you then they’re not going to do anything about it. We have to wait and see how they deal with the situation first.”

 

“They’re not going to,” she murmurs, closing her eyes. “It’s Regina. She could kill me in the hallway in view of every teacher in the school and she’d still get away with it.”

 

“I’m sure that’s not true,” he says, rubbing her back. “But your mom and I will make sure that there’s consequences for this, Jan.”

 

Janis doubts it, but she nods to placate her dad. It’s not as if they have any solid proof to suggest that it was Regina and she’d get away with it even if there was. Regina George is untouchable by the school and she knows it because if someone held her accountable for her actions then her reign of terror would have ended ages ago. And it’s not as if Mrs. George would punish her either; Janis has been there when Regina screams at her, and it’s clear that the woman is just as afraid of her as Mr. Duvall is.

 

And Mrs. George is almost untouchable too, with the exception of her eldest daughter, and Janis doesn’t want to know what they’d be like working together.

 

“I’m going to my room,” Janis murmurs, suddenly feeling a wave of nausea when she thinks about how unfair it is that Regina is going to get away with this.

 

She doesn’t wait for a response, hurtling up the stairs at what she thinks is record speed. She locks the door and falls to her knees in front of the toilet just before she throws up. She slumps back once she’s done, her eyes watering and tries her hardest to not sob.

 

Shakily, when her stomach has settled a little, she stands up and flushes, quickly brushing her teeth before she leaves.

 

She pads across the hallway to her bedroom, locks her door, closes her curtains, and crawls underneath her covers.

 

* * *

 

Stares follow Janis everywhere the next day.

 

She’s given a new locker in a new hallway which she’s grateful for, and someone has taped a piece of paper over the words on her old one. She appreciates the gesture but it doesn’t make a difference because the words are burned into her brain and they echo in her mind every time she passes by.

 

Janis didn’t get in trouble for smashing her phone, she’d explained what had happened to her mom last night when she’d crawled into her parents’ bed at three in the morning sobbing her heart out, but being without one makes her feel weird.

 

Although she’s sure that it’s more of a blessing than a curse.

 

Because she’s not oblivious to the people snapping pictures of her in the hallways. She’d be naive if she didn’t expect this whole thing to blow up over social media. At least now she can’t check it. She doesn’t think that she’s brave enough to stomach what people are saying about her behind their phone and computer screens.

 

Janis doesn’t even bother entering the lunchroom. She hovers at the bottom of the hallway for a few seconds, debating whether or not it’s worth it, but when she spots Regina and the others making their way in she turns away and heads to the bathroom instead.

 

It’s not as if she really has a lunch to eat anyway. Usually, she eats food from the cafeteria but she’d had enough sense this morning to realise that that more than likely wouldn’t be possible anymore. Her mom promised to buy some more things on her way home from work for Janis to take in, but for today she had to make do with what they had.

 

So she ended up with a bagel, a granola bar and apple slices.

 

But she can’t stomach more than a few bites of the bagel anyway.

 

Maybe it’s because she’s eating in the bathroom.

 

When the bell rings she tosses the rest of her food in the trash so not to worry her parents, and washes her hands.

 

She hesitates pulling the door open, hearing the swell of voices on the other side. She’s so exhausted from all of the glares and whispers today so she stays put until after the tardy bell rings and she’s sure that most people are gone.

 

Only then does she leave.

 

Ms. Norbury doesn’t tell her off for being late, but she does stop her after class.

 

“Can I talk to you, Janis?” She asks and Janis shoves her hands into her pockets, shrugging as she rocks back and forth. “I’m sorry about what was written on your locker.”

 

“Yeah. Me too.”

 

“I didn’t see you in the lunch room today either,” Ms. Norbury says. “Where did you eat?” Janis just shrugs, and Ms. Norbury reaches out, placing a hand on Janis’s shoulder. “I want you to know that I’m here for you, alright? You have people here you can talk about this to. Me included. If you want I can help you arrange a meeting with the school counsellor tomorrow in homeroom?”

 

“Nah,” Janis shakes her head, brushing Ms. Norbury’s hand off. “I’m—I’m fine. I’m good, I promise. I just—I have to go now before I’m late to French.”

 

Janis ducks out of the room with tears burning behind her eyelids. She doesn’t go to French, instead heads straight to the bathroom where she sobs in a stall not unsimilar to yesterday.

 

She doesn’t bother going to sixth and instead just leaves school. Nobody stops her when she pushes through the double doors and it’s not as if she can just call her mom to come and get her, because she doesn’t have a phone anymore.

 

It takes her a while to get home but she unlocks the door and heads straight to her room. She doesn’t even bother taking her shoes, coat or backpack off, flopping onto her bed anyway.

 

She’s so exhausted that she falls asleep like that and doesn’t wake up until her mom knocks on her door to tell her that dinner is ready.

 

* * *

 

“I hate to say I told you so but I told you so.” Janis huffs as she slams the car door with red-rimmed eyes.

 

“I can’t believe they’re letting her off! I mean she practically confessed!” Janis’s mom says, running a hand over her face as she sits in the front seat, engine idling. “I’ll take this to the school board if that’s what it takes—”

 

“Mom, no,” Janis sighs, wiping her cheeks. “It’ll just make everything worse. I just want to change schools. Please.”

 

“We can’t allow Regina to get away with this, Jan,” her dad says, turning around in his seat.

 

“I don’t care about that anymore!” Janis yells. “Nothing will ever get done because she’s _Regina George,_ don’t you understand? You’re just making everything so much worse but it’s okay for you because you don’t have to go to this shit hole every day. _I_ do. And I’m begging you to stop. Just let it go. Just transfer me to another school.”

 

Her parents look shocked at her outburst, and Janis crosses her arms over her chest and stares out of the window. She doesn’t bother to stop or hide the tears and as soon as they pull into the driveway she gets out and storms to her room.

 

She locks her parents out, blasts the music they hate her listening so loud that she can’t hear them knocking on her door and cries until her eyes and cheeks sting.

 

She feels a little guilty for snapping at her parents, but what did they expect her to do?

 

Janis isn’t strong enough to handle it anymore—the pointed looks and the whispers and the rumours. Today in science when she was handing out the worksheets her hand accidentally brushed against Dawn Schweitzer’s and the girl, to a chorus of laughters, started shrieking and gagging.

 

Janis hadn’t hung around long enough to see whether the girl got in trouble or not.

 

And if that wasn’t bad enough, she had to see her ex-bestfriends everywhere.

 

It hurt knowing that they were having fun without her. She tried not to stare but it was hard when their laughter rose above all of the noise in the cafeteria as Janis sat alone, picking at her food. She tries not to check her social media but on the rare occasions when she opens Instagram or Facebook, Gretchen, Karen and Regina’s laughing faces are all that she sees.

 

It hurts knowing that their inability to accept her sexuality is why they don’t hang out anymore.

 

Now, they seem to do more together than they ever did when Janis was with them.

 

There’s a dull ache in her chest almost constantly, aware that her being ousted from the group was probably something that they would have been planning.

 

Janis’s coming out to Regina was just a convenient reason, she guesses.

 

Not that it should be.

 

Janis withdraws more and more over the next couple of days when the bullying at North Shore escalates to unbearable levels. Calling her mom in tears is a regular occurence, and she almost never makes it to lunch before she forces either one of her parents to pick her up.

 

She doesn’t sit with them at the table for meals, brushes off all of their attempts to get her out of her room. She doesn’t take part in the family games nights anymore and when her aunt and uncle come to stay with them for a few days, she doesn’t say more than a few words to them.

 

One night when she’s been coaxed out of her room and she’s curled up on the sofa with her mom watching a TV show, she remarks that one of the girls is hot. It’s fine until she realises what she’s said, and then she has to run to the bathroom to throw up because the words _space dyke_ are echoing in her head.

 

She hates that that’s how liking girls makes her feel now.

 

She’d been proud when she came out to her parents. Now she hates being a lesbian and it’s Regina’s fault.

 

Eventually her parents agree to pull her from school. They sit her down that night, coaxing her from her room after half an hour, and tell her their decision. Janis cries, sagging back onto the couch with relief.

 

Their only conditions is that she has to let her mom home school her and that she has to attend therapy once a week. She reluctantly agrees to the last one.

 

At first therapy is scary. Janis doesn’t talk, and the sessions go wasted but then, in a meeting with her therapist and parents, the topic of art therapy is brought up. Janis isn’t great at art but she gives it her all, and she finds that it’s a lot easier to explain her paintings to her therapist than just sit and talk to her.

 

Slowly but surely, Janis feels more like herself.

 

It takes her a while to accept that she’s a lesbian, though. She talks about it with her therapist a lot, and her parents try their best to help her come to terms with it again. And it’s hard, wrestling with all of the feelings she’d once managed to combat on her own.

 

And Janis wouldn’t say that she’s proud just yet (although she’s working towards it), but she’s comfortable. She no longer throws up when thinking about her crushes.

 

One morning when she wakes up before her alarm and is unable to sleep, she stares up at her ceiling blankly. Her eyes flick back and forth, counting the plastic stars there.

 

The plastic stars she and Regina had spent two hours sticking up three years ago. They would lay on Janis’s bed with her curtains closed, counting them together.

 

Janis hasn’t noticed it before, but they don’t glow anymore.

 

She feels good about that.

**Author's Note:**

> ⋆[pinterest.](https://pin.it/axdt62ze5gutav)  
> ⋆[twitter.](https://twitter.com/crowning_gloryy)


End file.
